* Save room for the chat with one of our fav therapists at the end!
You know how people ask "where was your first date?" I'm going to start asking
" where did you first get vulnerable with each other?". That first parked car conversation, that first phone call that lasted the whole night, that first time sitting in that restaurant talking until it was closing time. When was the moment you realized that this person was going to mean something to you? Those “first” moments almost never seem planned, but whenever they happen, almost never seem rushed or forced either. It's like the handshake after the business deal, we are officially locked in.
Do you open up easily?
Yes
No
Now please. Keep in mind that I am a woman who is growing and in this particular area... Growing a lot. In my love life, I like control. I don’t like doing things that I can’t find the sense in and being with someone takes a lot of senseless moments let’s be honest. No matter how much I try to stay 10 steps ahead or go in and attempt to regulate my feelings, protecting my heart still leaves me feeling vulnerable. That's the feeling we're trying to avoid right? Vulnerability. For all my fellow "walls up" type people I have some bad news.... Protecting your heart isn't avoiding vulnerability. It means being careful with it.
Let's be honest, some things we just don’t have to go through. Using discernment and really taking the time to discover what being intentional looks like for you can go a long way. Don’t be pulling out the heart-mending toolkit for fun now girl, but life is always going to be life and we have to work with it. Someone noted on Tuesday:
"protecting your heart doesn't mean controlling the outcome."
How do we accept that the outcome of protecting our heart isn't control? There are three things that help me become more comfortable with the idea that control isn’t the “reward.”
1. Walls up keep the good people out too. I recently read a tweet that mentioned how we still haven’t experienced everything and everyone that will love us yet. We haven’t experienced all the new things and people that we will choose to love. When you’re closed off, you miss the good that is trying to come in too.
2. You can always change your mind. That’s a reward in itself. We are constantly learning, growing, loving. Things change, people change and you are allowed to take what you now know and shift directions.
3. Love is complex. Some people are placed in our life to uncover just a piece of it. I've grown to appreciate the moments I have with people for however long I have them. Forever sounds cute, but fulfilled sounds better.
Lastly, if you are anything like me, you protect your heart because you are afraid someone will come in and be able to change it. I have to remind myself, so here is my reminder to you…
You are who you've always been, but even better now because with every "start again” comes a new tool in your tool kit and gained perspective. Your heart is important, but it can be mended.
I had to be honest about the fact that I love, love and you don't find it being scary lol.
So heads up, here's my heart... I know the right person will catch it.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23)
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P.S: A word from Anisa, MA, QMHP
Q. What are some tips to protecting our hearts in romantic relationships?
A.
1. Establish and/or be firm in your boundaries (who you are, what do you stand for/believe. Boundaries are like an invisible fence around yourself for protection. But it’ll be hard to know where your boundaries begin and someone else’s ends if you don’t what you’re protecting.) Once you are solidified in who you are, it’ll become easier to protect oneself, knowing who and what it is you’re protecting.
2. Establish and/or be firm in your negotiables versus your non-negotiables
3. Develop a healthy communication style particularly as it relates to communicating your thoughts and emotions effectively.